


Pushing Through

by TVgirll1971



Category: Whiskey Cavalier (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22897195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TVgirll1971/pseuds/TVgirll1971
Summary: Since his first mission running point was successful, Standish assumes his next one will be a piece of cake. Unfortunately, things go sideways. Though Will tries to get Standish to talk, his natural instinct is to push everyone away.
Kudos: 1





	Pushing Through

Standish sat in the Hive trying to process what had happened. He shot the kid. He didn’t plan on it. Things just got out of control. He was just doing what he did in Romania—bond with a college student to get him to defect. It was simple with Yung—well, not simple Standish conceded but he was ultimately able to bond with Yung. So, he figured this mission should be a piece of cake. An Iranian student studying in London was believed to be developing a biological weapon. Jai went undercover as a visiting professor to assess the kid’s progress and Standish was undercover as Habib’s roommate. 

Standish wasn’t worried about the mission at all. Why would he? He handled things with Yung. He learned from his mistakes which meant that Habib should be easy. Piece of cake he told everyone. “Don’t get cocky.’ Frankie warned him. “Not all missions are alike.” Will warned him. But did he listen? No.

Well, guess what? They were right; he was wrong. Habib wasn’t like Yung at all. On the surface he may have seemed like it but they were night and day. Yung was cold to Standish but eventually bonded with him while Habib appeared to bond with Standish immediately. He told Standish he wanted to defect only to lead Standish, Will, and Frankie into a trap. Fortunately, Will and Frankie anticipated this and were able to best the Iranians in a firefight. Alone, Habib was captured.

Or so they thought. Habib had three guns trained on him. Logic dictated that he’d turn over his gun willingly. Habib did put gun down on the ground. Will and Frankie walked over to him guns drawn. Will bent down to pick up Habib’s gun while Frankie collected Habib. Suddenly, Habib caught Frankie off guard by knocking her down and grabbing her gun. Luckily, someone instinctively acted and shot Habib dead—Standish. 

”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** 

“Of all the missions Susan not to come on; it has to be this one.” Will thought to himself on the way back to the Hive. He tried to get Standish to talk about what happened. He tried to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, that he had no choice but to shoot Habib. Unfortunately, Standish wasn’t hearing any of it. He just kept replaying everything in his head. At the Hive, Jai sat alone with Standish while Will and Frankie briefed Ray on what happened.

It broke Jai’s heart to see Standish so sullen. Usually, he talked your ear off but he just sat there not saying a word. It was disconcerting, so Jai decided to try to open up a bit to him. 

"Look, Standish.” Jai began. “I'm not very good at this, but I do know what it's like to have people die on my watch. I've had people die because of me."

"With all due respect, Jai. No, you haven't. You've had colleagues die because of some circumstance you couldn't control. You never had an innocent kid die by your own hand."

"The kid was hardly innocent, Standish." Jai pointed out.

"Okay, okay. He was still just a kid. I could’ve helped him. I could’ve convinced him to turn his life around. Hell, at the very least I could’ve made it so we didn’t walk into a trap."

“I know this is difficult for you but you need to...” Jai paused searching for the right thing to say.

“Do what?” Standish asked tersely. “Put trackers on everyone like you do? Yeah, that's real healthy." Seeing the look on Jai's face, Standish softened. "Look, man. I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I get that you're trying to help and I appreciate it. I really do. I just—I just can’t talk about this right now.”

At the same time, Will and Frankie were in the office talking the situation over with Ray on their laptop. 

“How’s the kid holding up?” Ray asked.

“Not great.” Will answered. “We tried talking to him but he’s clammed up.”

“Yeah,” Ray stated. “I think you should just wait and let Susan talk to him at the Dead Drop. If Standish wants to talk to you, fine. But don’t engage him.”

“Ray, he needs to talk about what happened”’ Will insisted.

“I know.” Ray said. “I just think Susan should do it. She’s the professional.”

“So we’re supposed to just let him stew in silence the whole flight back?” Will asked, a bit incredulously. 

“If that’s what he wants, yeah. Like I said--he wants to talk about it, okay. Let him be the one to start. Don’t initiate.”

Will tried. After all, Ray did have a point—Susan was the professional. But it killed him. The whole plane ride--eight hours! ---watching Standish just looking out the window, sulking. Will knew what he was doing—he was running through the entire mission in his head wondering how things could’ve ended differently. Will asked Standish repeatedly if he wanted to talk and Standish continually said no. After the third refusal, Frankie finally spoke up and told Will to give it rest. Standish would talk when he wanted to talk. 

”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** 

Unfortunately, as soon as they landed in New York, Will got a text from Ray saying something came up and he and Susan would be late. Just hang tight at the Dead Drop. Hang tight?? That’s what got Will. Standish was obviously in pain and Ray wanted him to hang tight? As the group waited for Susan at the Dead Drop, Standish announced he wanted to be alone in the back lair. Suddenly, Will got up to follow.

“Will, wait!” Frankie called out. Then walking up to him, she added. “You know what Ray said. He told us to wait for Susan.”

“He needs to talk, Frankie. He’s in pain and he has to talk about it.” Switching hears, he added. “Look, I’ve trained dozens of new…” 

“Agents. I know.” Frankie interrupted. “So what? This wasn’t about training a new agent. It’s about helping one deal a mission gone sideways and I don’t think your touchy feely crap is going to work.”

“Oh, and your approach will?” he asked pointedly.

“No.” she said adamantly. “Which is why I think we should wait for Susan.”

Will looked toward the direction of the lair and sighed. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

Will walked into the lair and found Standish staring at his laptop. He didn’t even think Standish was reading anything. He was just staring at it.

“How you doing, kiddo?” Will asked as he approached Standish.

Standish rolled his eyes and sulked. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“Look. What happened wasn’t your fault. Okay. Habib was going for Frankie’s gun. You didn’t have a choice.”

“You guys warned me. You warned me. I didn’t listen.”

“You couldn’t have anticipated this, Standish. No one did.”

“You and Frankie did.” Standish pointed out. “You told me not to get cocky and I didn’t listen. Because of me, Frankie almost died and twenty year old kid is dead.”

“There’s no connection between those things, Standish. Even if you’d done everything right, it still could’ve played out the exact same way.” Will insisted. 

“You don’t know that.” Standish pouted.

“You’re right. I don’t. I’m sorry.” Will stated. “But things like this happen. You just have to push through it.”

Standish sighed. “Is this your ‘how we deal with hardship defines who we are’ talk again?”

“Yes. It is. But it bears repeating because it’s true. It happens, Standish. No matter how good of an agent you are, sometimes you need to shoot somebody. I’ve done it. I know exactly how you feel.”

“So, you’ve had to kill a twenty year old kid?” Standish asked with a bit of a challenge in his voice.

“Well, not specifically.” Will conceded.

“Then you don’t know.’ Standish stated. “You guys told me not to get cocky and what did I do? I got cocky, I led us into a trap and some kid’s dead.”

“He wasn’t some kid, Standish. He was about to kill Frankie.”

“Yes! Because I put us in that situation! I was running point! I misjudged Habib. Frankie almost died because of me. Hell, that kid did die because of me. A twenty year old kid is in the morgue because I didn’t read him right!”

“Could things have been handled better? Maybe. Maybe not. But the mark of a good agent is to learn from your mistakes. You push through the uncertainty and….”

“Well, maybe I can’t push through the uncertainty!” Standish blurted out. “I’m not like you, Will. I can’t just magically rise above it.”

“It’s not magic, Standish.” Will said. “You just need to talk about what happened and how you feel about it.”

“Like that’s going to change it? You know what happened, Will. You were there! As for how I feel—well, obviously, I feel shitty about it! All talking is going to do is remind me how I’m not cut out for this job!” Standish suddenly got up. “So, I’ll save you the trouble. I quit.” He turn turned and walked out of the lair. 

Will quickly followed and called after him. “Standish, wait! Come on! We have to talk about this!” 

“What’s going on?” Frankie asked when the pair entered the main bar area.

“He says he’s quitting the team.” Will explained.

“What?” Frankie asked, shocked. “You can’t quit!”

“What do you mean?” Standish exclaimed. “Course, I can. Unless this is like the mafia. Or those movies about the CIA. Wait.” he said, worried. “Are those movies true? Is the Agency going to try to kill me when I leave?”

Frankie rolled her eyes while Will answered, “No. What she means is while you could leave, you shouldn’t. Okay? Not like this.” 

“Like what? Like with blood on my hands.”

“Come on, Standish” Frankie said, a bit exasperated. ”You’ve shot people before.”

“Yeah, but this was a kid! A kid whose life was snuffed out because of me! Because I made a bad call!”

"Quitting isn’t the answer, Standish." Jai spoke up. “It’s not going to make you feel better.”

"This isn't about me feeling better!" Standish tersely responded. "It's about no one else dying because I screwed up!” 

“You didn’t have a choice, Standish.” Will said, “The kid grabbed a gun. Protocol dictates…”

“I don’t give a damn what protocol dictates!” Standish blurted out. “Okay?! A twenty year old kid is dead because of me! I don’t care if it was justified or not! So just leave me the hell alone!” he then stormed right out of the bar.

”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** ***   
Not long after, Ray and Susan finally arrived at the Dead Drop to find Will, Frankie and Jai not looking very happy.

“Where’s Standish?” Ray asked.

“Uh, he left.” Will answered.

“What do you mean he left? I thought he was going to stay here so Susan could talk to him.”

“Yeah, well, the thing is, I….”

“The thing is,” Frankie interrupted, “Will tried to talk to Standish himself and now Standish quit the team.”

“What?!” “Oh, Will.” Ray and Susan said at the same time.

“I don’t understand.” Ray continued. “Did Standish ask to talk to you?” 

“No, but...” Will replied.

“Then what the hell? I told you to wait for Susan. I specifically told you not to engage the kid.”

“I know but I…”

“But you just did what you wanted because you know better than everyone else.”

“No. I just figured why wait?”

“Because I told you to!”

“Ray, it’s okay.” Susan said, trying to calm him down.

“No, it’s not. I told you. Susan’s the professional. Let her handle it. But did you listen? No, because you’re Will Chase and your way is best!”

“You weren’t here, Ray.” Will said defensively. “Standish was holed up alone in the lair. I had no idea when Susan was going to get here. So, I made the decision to talk to him because as co-leader of this team it’s my job to look out for everyone here.”

“And now the kid’s quit. Great job, co-leader.” Ray said snidely.

Susan put her arm out to silence Ray and then walked over to Will. “What exactly did you tell Standish?”

“That this wasn’t his fault. He had no choice but to kill Habib. I told him that he has to push through any uncertainty…”

“Oh, great.” Ray said out loud.

Will got defensive again. “Hey, I’ve trained…”

“If you say you’ve trained agents, again, I swear I’ll punch you.” Frankie warned. 

Will sighed. “I wanted to give him the benefit of my expertise.”

“But you have none!” Susan blurted out. Softening her tone, she added. “At least not with this. Sweetie, I know you wanted to help but you can’t fix every problem. Besides, sometimes your advice is a bit” she seemed to struggle to find the right word. “much.”

“It is.” Frankie and Ray said together.

“What the hell does that mean?” Will asked, offended.

“It’s just” Susan clarified. “Sometimes your advice is a bit heavy-handed.”

“Thank you.” Will said, sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. I know you mean well. It’s just some people don’t respond well to big motivational speeches. Sometimes they need a lighter approach.”

“Okay. So, how do I help Standish?”

“Honestly? I don’t think you can. You’re essentially Standish’s hero. You’re the agent he aspires to be. And what happened happened right in front of you. He has to be feeling some guilt because of that.”

“It was a good shot, Susan. I told him that.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t matter unless he believes it. Right now, he doesn’t and no pep talk from you is going to do that.”

”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** 

Someone was knocking on Standish’s door. That was the downside to no longer living at his Mom’s. He couldn’t use her as a buffer. He knew who was knocking. It was either Will with one of his pep talks or Frankie with one of her “you have to toughen up” talks. He was NOT in the mood for either one of those things so with a groan, Standish got up to answer the door. To his surprise, it wasn’t Will or Frankie—it was Susan. 

“What?” he asked, not very happy to see her.

“We need to talk. Can I come in?”

“Will it matter if I say no?” he asked petulantly.

“Not really.”

“Fine. Come in. But if you’re here to talk about my feelings then you might as well go because I’m not talking.” 

“Standish,” Susan said as she walked in the door. “You need to process this.”

“Process? What the hell you mean process? I know what happened—I was there! The kid grabbed a gun and I shot him. What the hell is there for me to process?”

“I’m not taking about what happened. I’m talking about how it makes you feel.”

“How the hell you think it makes me feel?”

“Angry.” Susan answered. “Guilty. Worried that you did the wrong thing and wondering if you really should be a part of this team.”

“Stop it, okay!” Standish yelled. “I don’t need you using your witchy powers to get inside my head! I know I shouldn’t been on that mission. Hell, I probably should never have been on this team!”

“That’s not what I said, Standish. I said that’s what you’re feeling. And it’s perfectly understandable. What you need to do is talk about your feelings”

“What if I don’t want to talk about my feelings? What if I’m perfectly fine keeping my feelings all bottled up like some 200 year old bottle of wine no one wants to open because its covered in dust and probably nasty?”

“Standish. I know how you feel. I went through the same thing earlier this year. Remember?”

“But it wasn’t the same thing, was it? Not to diminish what happened but that girl took her own life. SHE decided to end it. I’m sorry but you can’t go comparing apples and oranges.”

“Sweetie, I agree the circumstances are different but a lot of the feelings…” Susan began.

“Don’t!” Standish interrupted. “Don’t go using your shrink powers. I don’t want to talk about my dumbass feelings! I certainly don’t want to talk about them with you! So just get out and leave me be!”

”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** ”*** *** *** *** *** 

The next morning, Standish got a text from Ray asking him to report to the FBI building for a debriefing. “Wow. That was fast.” he thought to himself. But then it made sense. This was the FBI. They didn’t have time to be messing around with personnel changes. So, with a heavy heart, Standish opened the door to the conference room, expecting to see a group of strangers. Instead, he only saw Ray and Susan.

“What the? I thought I was meeting some debriefing team in here?”

Susan spoke up. “Actually, we just said that to get you in here.” 

“Oh, hell no!” Standish blurted out before turning to leave.

“Standish wait!” Susan called after him. Walking up to him, she continued. “Listen, I know we shouldn’t have tricked you like this. The team’s worried about you and we don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.”

“Oh, you mean like shoot a kid?” 

“Standish, you can’t just shove this aside by quitting. You need to talk about this.” Susan stated.

“And what are you going to say? That’s it okay? That it wasn’t my fault? Oh, or my favorite—you know how I feel. Like you have any idea what it’s like to drop down on some kid because you messed up.”

“I do.” Ray spoke up from the conference table.

“Yeah, right.” Standish scoffed. Then seeing Ray’s face, he walked over to the table. “Wait. You serious?”

Ray nodded. “My first year on the job. My partner and I were going after this racketeering ring. It was my first time being on point. Things went sideways, shots were fired and some kid ran right in front of my gun.” Clarifying, he added. “He was 15 years old. The perp’s son. I guess he was trying to protect his dad.”

“Shit. That’s worse than what happened to me.” Standish thought to himself as he sat down. Out loud, he said. “Will told me other agents have gone through this but I didn’t think—I figured it was just hypothetical. He was talking about you?”

“Yeah.” Ray replied with a pensive look on his face.

“Softly, Standish said, “So, I guess Will’s right. Some people can push through it.”

“Well, you know, sometimes Will’s full of it.” Ray responded.

“Ray.” Susan scolded.

Ray shrugged. “I mean, obviously, yeah, you have to push through it, But it’s not as easy as he makes it sound.”

“How’d you get through it?” Standish asked.

“Honestly? At first I was so afraid of failing that I just tried not think about it.”

“And that worked? Because I’d really love to go the rest of my left not thinking about this.”

Ray shook his head. “No. Luckily, I had a partner who understood and talked to me.”

“About what happened?”

“About everything. He’d start out talking about one of his cases going sideways and before I knew it, I was talking about what happened and how it was affecting me.”

Standish sighed. “So talking. Just like what she said.” gesturing to Susan. “But isn’t talking about it just like putting salt over a wound? It’s just going to bring back bad memories.” 

“But aren’t you already remembering it?” Ray asked. “Can you honestly tell me you haven’t thought of that shooting at least once today?”

“A few actually.” Standish admitted quietly.

“Talking helps.” Ray stated. “I know you wouldn’t think so but it does. It helps knowing someone else has been through this. That you’re not the only one. “

“You need to talk to someone, Standish.” Susan spoke up. “Ideally, it should be a professional but if you’re not comfortable with that it doesn’t need to be. The important thing is to talk to somebody.”

“That’s what Will said. But I can’t talk to him. It’s just—it’s like talking to Superman. And I sure as hell can’t talk to Frankie; Jai pretty much said he’s not good at talking.”

“You can talk to me.” Ray interrupted. “Anytime about anything.”

“She doesn’t need to be there, does she?” Standish asked, pointing to Susan. “No offense, I just don’t think I’m cool getting my head shrunk.”

“I’ll only there if you want me to be.” Susan assured him.

“And what if after all this talking, I still want to leave the team?”

“Then you can go.” Susan answered, then touched his arm, “Sweetie, we just don’t want you to make any rash decisions.”

Standish looked at Ray skeptically. “And nothing I say will get back to her or anyone else on the team?”

“Nope. Everything will be between us. I promise.”

Standish thought for a moment and then shrugged. “Okay, I guess I can try.”

To Standish’s surprise, talking to Ray did help. He couldn’t believe it. His natural inclination had been to forget about it—lock it away. Problem was, it wasn’t staying locked. Talking did make him feel less alone. It was nice to know that the flashbacks, bad dreams and sleepless nights weren’t just him being a loser—that they were normal. He realized that he wasn’t the first agent who ever misjudged a situation and he probably won’t be the last either. He realized that failure didn’t make him a bad agent; that eventually he’d feel comfortable running point again. Lastly, he realized that Will was right—one can push through this. It just can’t be done alone.

**Author's Note:**

> After finishing this story, I remembered this moment from episode 2.10 of The West Wing “Noël.” It was a beautiful quote from a powerful episode. I think it applies here so I’m adding it here..
> 
> _  
> "This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out._
> 
> _"A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on._
> 
> _"Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on._
> 
> _"Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'”_


End file.
